Quotes

A selection of memorable quotes from The Joker Blogs

Therapy Begins [1.01]

 * [First words of the series and show]
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: Dr Quinzel seeing patient 4479 for rehabila..pl.. please don't touch that.


 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: Address the camera
 * [Joker flashes a false,reluctant grin at the camera]
 * Joker: Hi.


 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: I'd like to keep this completely professional please address me as Dr Quinzel
 * Joker: Well then you can "address" me as Mr J.


 * Joker: I don't want to leave. I like it here. Free food. Roof over my head.[leers at Dr Quinzel] Lovely company.
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: [slightly flustered] We're getting off track.
 * Joker: There's a track?


 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: You don't think you have some real problems?
 * Joker: Nobody's perfect.


 * Joker: It's never a mistake to be who you are.[ looks into camera] don't let anyone tell you otherwise.


 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: We can't progress like this
 * Joker: Sorry Puddin'
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: Dr Quinzel.


 * [Harleen defines her terms as the Joker's physicatrist]
 * Joker: Your job? Is that what's really going to define US?
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: Well, you wanted to define terms
 * Joker: I'm a complicated guy, doc.


 * [Harleen asks if there's a method to the Joker's madness]
 * Joker: [ leans back in his chair and studies her for a few moments] I like you. This is gonna be fun.

Arkham Bound [1.02]

 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: [observing the Joker playing with her glasses] I'm uh..I'm gonna need those back now.


 * Joker: [ regarding the new prescribed drugs he is taking] Riddlin this riddlin that. If I'd known it was this easy to get free drugs I would have done this years ago.
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: Why are you saying that into the camera?
 * Joker: I've got a friend who's gonna put this up on Youtube.


 * Joker: Did I ever tell you, you've got lovely eyes? They go well with the rest of your face. It's not like I wanna pop them out of your skull and carry them round on a key chain.
 * [awkward silence]
 * Joker: It's a compliment


 * Joker: Thursdays I hang out with my pal, Carmine Falcone. We talk about politics, the weather, the moral degregation of society. Or at least I do he usually brings up these anecdotes like..Scarecrow. Scarecrow.


 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: Are you faking insanity?
 * Joker: No I'm not...[ more sinister] no I'm not.

[ Regarding the question of if he's concerned for safety if he goes to Blackgate Prison]
 * Joker: There's a difference between personal safety and 15 guys manhandling you in the shower.


 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: You stole money.
 * Joker: I burned it.
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: You lied to people.
 * Joker: I only told little white lies.
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: You destroyed property.
 * Joker: I don't think we really need hospitals.

Meet Steve [1.03]
[ Joker has broken out of his cell and is rifling through Harleen's office]
 * Joker: Oh and there's pictures of the family. I can't wait to meet them. You have some crazy relatives there. And a lovely picture of your wife... [ stops goes over to desk and reads plaque saying Dr Jeremiah Arkham]I'm in the wrong office.


 * Joker:[ video message for Harleen] You're probably home right now without a care in the world. Like Steve...Who? [ picks up the bloodied head of Steve and places it on the desk]


 * Joker: A little thank you basket for all the therapy. I would have gift wrapped him but..I didn't have a big enough box.

A Dream Come True [1.04]

 * Joker:[about armed security guard ] Lyle? That is a girl's name. If you and I had a daughter that's what I'd want to name her.

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 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: Are you expecting a thank you card for the dead body you left on my desk?
 * Joker: I'm not opposed to letter writing.

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 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: Do you have any remorse for killing that man? Any guilt at all?
 * Joker: Why would I feel that?

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 * Joker: I didn't want to escape. I wanted to help you, this is therapy after all.
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: I'm not the one who needs help.
 * Joker: Don't talk like that everybody needs help sometimes.

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 * Joker: In case you hadn't noticed a man's dead because of you
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: [growing enraged ] You are not making me-
 * Joker: Responsible? I think it's cute that we're finishing each other's sentences now.
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: You're unbearable.
 * Joker: That reminds me of two dreams that I had last night. The first one, had you in it but obviously this is not the best time to mention that.

My Funny Valentine [1.04.5]

 * Dr Jeremiah Arkham:[sarcastically regarding a Valentines gift from the Joker ] Oh that's lovely I guess the better question is WHY was it in my office?
 * Joker: Because I put it there.

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 * Dr Jeremiah Arkham: I've been informed by the Gotham city police department that there's no trace of any explosives, deadly chemicals, bloody bits or body parts in it.
 * Joker: [horrified] Why would there be anything like that?
 * Dr Jeremiah Arkham: Well I guess I was under the wrong impression when I read the note that came with it. Have a happy [Joker joins in] St Valentines Day Massacre.

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 * Joker: [holding up a box of chocolates to Harleen] Will you be my valentine?

Hypnotised [1.05]

 * Joker: Dr Strange? Yeah and I'm Professor Giggles. Look if you don't wanna use your real name that's fine but don't come down here and treat me like some kind of-
 * Dr Hugo Strange: That IS my real name.

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 * Joker:[preparing to be hypnotised ] If this works and I wake up and my pants are off..
 * Dr Hugo Strange: The subject under hypnosis will only do what he would normally do in a conscious state.
 * Joker: [unimpressed ] Like I said if this works and I wake up and my pants are off...

An Apple A Day [1.06]

 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: I take it you missed me?
 * Joker: Was it that obvious?

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 * Dr Harleen Quinzel:[referring to the Joker being taken out of Maximum security due to the incident with Dr Strange ] You do see what they're doing right?
 * Joker: No.
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: Well they're trying to get on your good side
 * Joker: That's ridiculous I don't have a good side.

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 * Dr Jonathan Crane: How are you Dr Quinzel? Are you enjoying the view from MY former office?
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: I don't know, I'm barely in it. Too busy doing the job that you neglected to do.
 * Dr Jonathan Crane: Doesn't look like you're doing you're job now. This looks like a date. Is company buying?
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: Oh that's right, whenever you asked me out you planned on splitting the bill.
 * Joker: You two used to date?
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: I was never that desperate.

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 * Dr Jonathan Crane: Careful with this one Dr Quinzel, he's not faking.
 * Joker: Funny thing is neither is she. [as he leaves ] FREAK!

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 * Dr Harleen Quinzel:[about her fiance ] His name is Guy.
 * Joker: [chokes] Guy? Well that's a..well that's definately a guy's name.

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 * Joker: When you see something you want you take it..by force if necessary

Artistic Merit [1.07]

 * Joker: I just finished pain stakingly copying the Mona Lisa.
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: Yeah..it looks more like Mrs Arkham to me.

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 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with this.
 * Joker: It's just a portrait. It's not a nude study..yet [winks ]
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: That is not going to happen.

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 * Joker: You can't spell an artist without anarchist.
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: Um.. I'm pretty sure you can.
 * Joker: I'm running out of brown I'm gonna do your hair yellow but it looks good you should try going blonde, it suits you.

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 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: We set a date for the wedding.

[Joker pauses, and holds the brush angrily before resuming painting ]
 * Joker: Am I invited? I love wedding cake.

BRB [1.08]

 * Joker: It always comes down to making a choice. One or the other. The fork in the throat..road. Road. Fork in the road. Henry's the one with the fork in the throat. Who? [leaves and returns with a bloodied fork]

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 * Joker: There's only one card that makes any difference it doesn't add or take away from the others it just is.[pulls out a Joker card ] there's one in every deck and it always shows up where you least expect it.

Find Patient 4479 [1.08.5]

 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: This is not a time for a debate, Charles my patient is gone. They need to widen their search, we should alert the media-
 * Dr Charles Cavendish: If word gets out about this they will shut. us. down. This is exactly the time to discuss this.

Two Cops, A Clown& A Police Department [1.09]

 * Detective Harvey Bullock: Did you enjoy the joyride, freak? Cause they're going to lock you up and throw away the key.
 * Joker: That's a whole lot of keys to swallow. Is that why they hired you?

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 * Joker: There's three types of people in this world. The optimist who sees the glass as half full, the pessimist who sees it as half empty then there's the paranoid and they just think someone is drinking out of their glass.
 * Corrigan: Which one are you?
 * Joker: I'm the one who knocks the glass over.

Car Trouble [1.10]

 * Joker:[has a gun to Jeremiah Arkham's head ] This is a nice car you got here, Jerry.
 * Dr Jeremiah Arkham:[cigarette in his mouth, starting the car while trying to keep calm ] Thank you.
 * Joker: The world is your oyster. In fact this car reminds me of an oyster. You wanna know why?
 * Dr Jeremiah Arkham: Why?
 * Joker: Because inside every oyster is a pearl! [banging heard from the trunk ] SHUT UP PEARL!
 * Dr Jeremiah Arkham: Wait, is that my nurse?!
 * Joker: She gets cranky riding in the trunk.

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 * Joker: Take your top off.
 * Dr Jeremiah Arkham: What?
 * Joker: The top of the convertible.[hits him on the back of the head ] Get your mind out of the gutter.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lyle [1.11]

 * Dr Jeremiah Arkham: [helping drag the unsconscious Lyle's body] Wouldn't it be easier if he was awake or was knocking him out really necessary?
 * Joker: Of course it was necessary I mean duh.. I didn't him to have to feel this. [pushes him down the stairs ]

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 * Joker: Get him to the car, get him undressed. We don't want to be late for dinner do we.
 * Dr Jeremiah Arkham: So..he's going to be naked...at dinner?

Trick or Treat [1.11.5]

 * Joker: You'd make a great patient doc, orange is definitely your colour. Now, when she opens the door we all are gonna say it right?
 * Lyle:I'm not doing that. It's not even Halloween.
 * Joker: Spoilsport. Don't worry we'll get you a costume soon enough.

Dinner With The Arkhams [1.12]

 * Joker: [dressed in a chef's apron adressing the tied up Jeremiah and his wife] Would you like to order [removes duct tape of Jeremiah's mouth he breaths heavily and doesn't respond turns to his wife] How about you [muffled screams and please] What? [muffled screams and pleas continue]I don't think we serve that here.

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 * Joker: For you doc, I made you're favorite [removes lid of the dish to reveal a basket of plastic eggs] eggs.

This begs the question which died first? The chicken [points to the Mrs Arkham who he has put in a chicken face mask] or the egg. And that question will keep you up all night till you just want to poke out your own eyes.

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 * Joker: You really love her? Lets puts that to the test, huh? Yeah.
 * Mrs Arkham:[muffled through mask] Oh no, no, no!
 * Joker: Oh yes yes yes.

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 * Joker: Well even though you've ruined dinner, you've ruined it. I'm gonna be a nice guy for a change if you promise to do everything I tell you to do and I mean everything I'll let you see your wife again. Just like a good healthy marriage it's got to be based on trust.

Road Trip [1.13]

 * Lyle: What about me?

[Joker looks over at Lyle who is dressed in a black dress and pearls'] 
 * Joker: You get to just sit there and look pretty.
 * Dr Jeremiah Arkham: Is that uh..is that my wife's dress?
 * Joker: It looks better on Lyle.

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 * Joker: Perfect fit Cinderella. Time to get you to your glamourous ball.

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 * Lyle: [regarding being forced to go through the sewers in his dress'] I'm not going in there
 * Joker: Well you can come with us but at midnight you turn back into a pumpkin and you know what we do to do pumpkins don't you? We carve them.

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 * Joker: Watch out for crocs.

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 * Joker: You two wait here. [Pearl and Jeremiah start screaming for help the Joker jumps around and giggles and then abruptly stops] Welcome to the narrows. No one's coming to save you.

Killing Kopski [1.14]

 * Joker:[pushing Kopski's head under water] Are you going to stop acting like a child and take your bath?

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 * Kopski: Is that my tuxedo?
 * Joker:Oh you bet it is. Why I.. I want to go the wedding. But I wasn't invited and you can't just crash a wedding. Weddings are planned meticulously there's always a cake to person ratio that you don't want to disrupt but with you out of the picture, that delicate cake ratio is still in balance.
 * Kopski:This is about cake?!
 * Joker:Well I do love cake. Why someone would want to off themselves before they get their designated piece is beyond me.

Get Me To The Church On Time [1.15]

 * Joker:[holding a gun to homeless man's face] Do you wanna die?
 * Ted: I uh.. woo..I...kind of.

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 * Joker:[to Ted while going through Jeremiah's wallet] How would you like to make a hun..twenty dollars?
 * Dr Jeremiah Arkham: I don't carry much with me, ok? I have a bank account what do you expect?
 * Joker: Twenty dollars?
 * Ted: I don't have to take my pants off do I?
 * Joker: No no no you're gonna help us make a movie.
 * Ted: What kind of movie? Again I'm not gonna have to take my pants ut
 * Dr Jeremiah Arkham: No let's keep those on
 * Joker: Get your mind out of the gutter, both of you.
 * Ted: I do sometimes sleep in one.

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 * Ted: I used to be a camera man for GCN.
 * Joker: Oh a professional [scathingly to Jeremiah] finally.

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 * Ted: Can..can I have a gun?
 * Joker: Yeah I don't see why not. [hands him a gun from the glove compartment]
 * Dr Jeremiah Arkham: Yup don't see why not, not at all. Great, fine let's give the degenerate with a death wish a gun. That's a great idea. Hey since it's near Christmas time can I please have a flame thrower or something horrible?
 * Joker: Well you know what? I didn't see any of those at Lyle's place or I would've grabbed one.

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 * Joker:[hands Ted a pair of big pliers] That's to keep these two in line. If they try to escape or they start screaming or if you just get bored use it. Just be sure to aim it them. Now how do I look? [gestures to tuexdo]
 * Ted: Spiffy.
 * Dr Jeremiah Arkham:You look great.
 * Joker: Chucks. One more thing [goes to boot of the car and takes out a gun and loads it] wedding present.

Three Minutes To Midnight [1.16]

 * Joker:[after having stolen a police car and recaptured Jeremiah Arkham] You got to run this town with a firm hand
 * Ted: Gah..I missed you so much

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 * 911 operator on phone: What's your emergency?
 * Joker: Ah there's no emergency I can make it an emergency?

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 * 911 operator on phone: Sir are you in need of an ambulance?
 * Joker: An ambulance would be great. Can I turn on the sirens?

Shotgun Wedding [1.17]

 * Pamela Isely: Guy's nervous too if it makes you feel any better..I slept with him last night to calm him down.
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: It's fine I poisoned your champagne.

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 * Pamela Isely:[comfortingly leaning her head on Harleen's shoulder] As much as I hate losing you as a roomate leaving Gotham's a good idea, let's face it Harl this town's not big enough for the two of us.

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 * Pamela Isely:[having discovered Jack Ryder was filming her and Harleen unknowingly] You are such a creeper!

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 * Mrs Strange: Isn't champagne for after the wedding?
 * Jack Ryder: It's taking too long at this rate there won't even be a wedding.
 * Mrs Strange: Well you're quite the romantic aren't you?

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 * Dr Thomas Elliot: Since someone's taken the liberty of opening the champagne, I'd like to, make a toast.
 * Dr Strange: [bitterly drunk]With MY glass!
 * Dr Thomas Elliot: In the words of Aristotle..
 * Dr Strange: Now he's going to quote Aristotle [begins to murmingly mock] new doctor..Aristotle
 * Dr Thomas Elliot: Yeah you should try reading some time, you might like it.

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 * Harleen's father: Just tell us what you want and nobody has to get hurt.
 * Joker: Well what if I want is for someone else to get hurt?

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 * Guy Kopski: What did you do to my brother?
 * Joker:I didn't do anything. He killed himself oh it was terrible. I was shocked but uh.. he was more shocked.

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 * Joker: [grabbing Harleen's hands while she is still holding Guy's body] Not to be a party pooper but you REALLY aren't ready for a relationship.

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 * Batman: You belong in a cell.
 * Joker: We belong together in fact there's a ceremony right upstairs waiting for us to walk down the aisle and seal the deal [Batman grabs his throat] it's a compliment.

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 * Joker:[grabbing hold of the gun in Harleen's hand urging her to shoot him] Go ahead do it if you think it will help or am I [struggling with Harleen for the gun while using one hand to grab her chin and pull her towards him]the only thing you have left to hold on to> You didn't want to go through with that wedding. Why else would you have gotten so close to me? What did you think was going to happen when an obsessed patient like me breaks out and you still go ahead with the wedding if that's not an invitation I don't know what is. Were you just trying to make me jealous? Hmm? Am I detecting a pattern emerging? A method to the madness?! You practically pulled that trigger yourself.

[Harleen shoots him, grabbing his arm he slides onto the floor Harleen sits next to him] I understand you had to make it look convincing
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: You know what they say about payback, right? It's a bitch Puddin'

Staff Verification [1.18]

 * 'Summer Gleason: In a night that had Gotham barring it's doors and barricading it's windows citizens can finally breathe a sigh of relief..for the moment.

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 * Detective Harvey Bullock: What can I say the freak busted out and the boys got in there, took him down. Now if you excuse I'm going to get drunk.

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 * Summer Gleason: You've been excused of being a gloryhound and inexperienced in the light of all that's happened to you has it all been worth it?

[pause]
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: If you're asking me if the sacrifices that I've had to make and the pain that I've endured and the life that I've had to give up so somebody else doesn't have to lose somebody they love is worth it..yeah..yes it's worth it.

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 * Dr Jonathan Crane: I don't say this about many people but patient 4479 scares me.

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 * Dr Strange: The handling of patient 4479 was a complete disaster. I lost my position due to an aggravated assault charge, I am currently going through a divorce and I had to move after my address was posted online [looks into camera] and I'm STILL receiving hate mail.

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 * Dr Thomas Elliot: Well after destroying Gotham General where I was finishing up my residency, crashing a colleague's wedding and murdering a close friend of mine, no I'm not a fan of the clown.

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 * Dr Strange: If you understand who the Batman is there you will understand patient 4479.

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 * Dr Thomas Elliot: I'd like to keep my involvement with the Wayne family hush hush.

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 * Lock Up: Then he threw me down a flight of stairs..that part I don't remember but I saw it on video.

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 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: Quitting or leaving for that matter would just be letting him win so no..we're gonna finish what we started.

Home Sweet Home' [1.19]

 * Joker: Aren't you going to thank me?
 * Security Guard: For what?
 * Joker: For killing Steve, you got his job now. There better be decent benefits.. do they cover health?

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 * Joker: When I tell a joke you better listen or you might miss the punch line you might even end up BEING the punch line.

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 * Joker: The battle lines were drawn in Gotham long before I showed up. Batman, Gordon, Dent, the Mob they all crossed them..with a little help from me. There's no denying it This. Is. War.

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 * Joker: You have to forgive, Sharpy he's just fishing for a promotion.

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 * Joker: Pleasure doing buisness with you, Lex.

He Can't Because He's Dead [FE.01]
[]The first episode of Further Evidence is a "prequel" it takes place between season 1 episode 2 and season 1 episode 4 it shows in detail the events that led to the Joker  killing Steve and  signing control of Arkham over to Lex]


 * Joker: Do you ever encounter symptoms of drowsiness, shortness of breath or uh..seizures
 * Security Guard:No let me get the alarms-
 * Joker:Irritability? lack of uh..sex drive?
 * Security Guard:No.
 * Joker:Good then all that's left is to leave Dr Quinzel her gift.
 * Security Guard:Gift? What gift?
 * Joker:Hand me that bow over there.[guard puts down torch and goes over to bow the Joker picks it up] You know something Steve I bet you'll make a great head of security but you can't because you're dead. [hits him on the back of the head with the torch]

Pull the Plug [FE.02]

 * Dr Jeremiah Arkham: They're telling me I have to let go and pull the plug. Lisa..Lisa is my light if I lose her..the darkness will come back.

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 * Dr Jeremiah Arkham: I've kept quiet about our little secret at Arkham asylumn for too long even when it meant losing everything. So now it's your turn. [picks up phone and dials number] Yes hello i'd like to leave a message for Comissioner Gordon at the Gotham City Police Department. [turns attention back to camera] Check your email.

Phantom Pains [FE.03]

 * Driver: Wanna go home Mr Falcone?
 * Alberto Falcone: I feel like a moonlit drive.
 * Driver:I don't think that's a good idea.
 * Alberto Falcone: Well you don't paid to think do you?!

<hr width="50%"/>[see figure rush by car]
 * Alberto Falcone: What the hell was that?
 * Alberto Falcone's bodyguard: Stay here, Mr Falcone
 * Alberto Falcone: I'm not going out there it could be the Batman.

Under Lock Up and Key [FE.04]

 * Cindy Reynolds: [shown on computer screen in webcam chat] You're really bad at this aren't you?
 * Detective Harvey Bullock: No...so what are you wearing?
 * Cindy Reynolds: You can see what I'm wearing.

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 * Detective Harvey Bullock:[annoyed at calls being directed to his deparment instead of Comissioner Gordon's] You've reached GCPD..animal control department Press one for insects. Two for rodents three for[person on other end dials button]- you have selected seven for..bear control. One moment while we tranfer you.[puts down phone]
 * Cindy Reynolds: What if that had been an emergency?
 * Detective Harvey Bullock: They'll call back besides by that point I'll be at your house bottle of wine, candles getting you into the tub..[sound of glass being smashed into Harvey turns and pulls out his gun]

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 * Cindy Reynolds: Bolton?
 * Lyle Bolton/Lock Up: Uh..w.No..I am Lock Up I am that which Gotham's criminals fear. I will find them. I will hunt them. I will capture them and bring them to my-
 * Cindy Reynolds: To your BUNKER. I knew I recognised that gas mask. On our first date to took me to see your weapons collection and your gas mask collection in your BUNKER. You're absolutely Lyle Bolton.
 * Lyle Bolton/Lock Up: This Lyle of which you speak..he is weak and he has a girl's name. I am lock up protector of peace. [he sees Cindy, who is somewhat bemused calling someone he quickly pulls the phone in Harvey's office from it's cord] FOOL! I am the police station now- [his phone goes off he runs to the side of the computer screen where he thinks he is unseen to answer it] Hey it's Lyle, how you doing Cindy?
 * Cindy Reynolds: I can still see you.

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 * Cindy Reynolds: So how's being crazy?
 * Lyle Bolton: How's being a whore?
 * Cindy Reynolds: I'm not a whore.
 * Lyle Bolton/Lock Up: You're a whore for dating this guy.

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 * Cindy Reynolds: Do you know even why we broke up?
 * Lyle Bolton: Because you're a whore.
 * Cindy Reynolds: Because on our third date you took me down to your bunker and proposed to me and I'm glad I said no because the next week I saw you on the news raving about seeing crocodile men in the sewers.
 * Lyle Bolton/Lock Up: THEY EXIST! And I can prove it.

The Doctor is In [FE.05]

 * Dr Leslie Thompkins: Thomas are you even listening to me?
 * Dr Thomas Elliot: I'm all ears Leslie
 * Dr Leslie Thompkins: My schedule is filling up with board meetings luncheon's with shareholders and staff visits. Yesterday I had to fire a girl. I started crying, that's what she was to supposed to do.
 * Dr Thomas Elliot: Look, if you want me to handle lay offs I'll be happy to fire people

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 * Dr Leslie Thompkins: I just want someone else to run things.
 * Dr Thomas Elliot: Well then do it, give the hospital to somebody else.
 * Dr Leslie Thompkins: Who? Strange? Do you know what I found him doing yesterday? I went down to the basement and there he was pulling apart MRI machines raving about building a "dream machine." It's a nightmare.
 * Dr Thomas Elliot: Well technically he said it was dream machine.

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 * Dr Thomas Elliot: I enjoy a game of cat and mouse.
 * Selina Kyle: So do I.
 * Dr Thomas Elliot: Do you? Gotham's a dangerous place after dark.
 * Selina Kyle: I'm a big girl besides I always land on my feet.
 * Dr Thomas Elliot: Ever on your back? It was joke.
 * Selina Kyle: God's too fond a joke.
 * Dr Thomas Elliot: That's Aris-
 * Selina Kyle: Aristotle. I've been watching you.

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 * Selina Kyle: Call me crazy but I don't think you were interested in bringing a girl home tonight
 * Dr Thomas Elliot: Maybe I was interested in bringing two or three
 * Selina Kyle: Now you're just over compensating.

Therapy Ends [FE.06]

 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: it's 4:30 on a Monday. Patient therapy.
 * Secuirty Guard: I know that's what it says on the schedule but you haven't been down here once in 6 months.
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: [sounds of someone being beaten]What's going on?
 * Secuirty Guard:It's 4:30 on a Monday. Exercise.

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 * Joker: Hello.. Harleen
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: Dr Kopksi.
 * Joker: You've really got to pick a name and stick with it. I just got used to calling you Dr Quinzel. Why do you think I killed him? [she walks over and pulls off the bag covering his head]..I've missed you.

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 * Joker: By the way you never said it. Dr Kopski overseeing patien 447-
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: Do you see a camera in here? I don't.
 * Joker: Oh there's ALWAYS someone watching even when three pigs break into my cell and beat the hell out of me.
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: That's why I'm going to misplace the security footage of level two and..give those guards a raise.
 * Joker: [laughs]Atta girl! I'm rubbing off on you.

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 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: We're done. There is no more therapy. No more word ascossiaton or ink blogs no more childhood memories. No more hypnosis or medication. There is no fixing you. Just this room for the rest of your life.
 * Joker: Next you'll be saying you like me just the way I am. [she slaps him]

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 * Joker: You think you earned this? You're too young and let's face it a woman. And that's not a typical board that's meeting up there that's what's left of this city's mob and they're paying your guards plenty to keep me under fed and brutalised. They're still scared of me and they needed someone that they could control. Someone like you.
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: You don't think that I can stand up to them?
 * Joker: In those heels?

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 * Joker: Did I ever tell you the one about the security guard with the broken glass in his stumoch?
 * Security Guard: We've heard that one before.
 * Joker: Then how about this one? Two men walk into a hospital. One rich. The other one poor. The rich man gets whatever he wants. Nobody listens to the poor man, he gets turned away. So he goes out and gets himself a gun. Suddenly everybody does what he says, except for the rich man. He still thinks he's better than everyone. So he gets one right between the eyes.
 * Security Guard: That isn't a very funny joke.
 * Joker: Well not all jokes are funny.

Fall of the house of Arkham [2.01]
[Opening of season 2 starts with the Joker in a hazy recording that keeps shifting in and out of focus]
 * Joker: I met someone. She's gonna be mine. Last time we met..I ended things badly. I wanna set things right. I know Gordon will get this message to you in time. Cause I didn't go into this without a back up plan. It's time for Plan B. And B stands for..Boom. [laughs]

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 * Summer Gleason: Are you getting some good B-roll?
 * Jack Ryder: Yeah[moves his camera to focus in on Summer's chest] B or C..I was hoping for D but..
 * Summer Gleason: Are you [bleeped out] kidding me?!

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 * Summer Gleason: And show some professionalism this guy's probably going to be your next president.
 * Jack Ryder: Why do you think I wore my best vest?

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 * Mercy Graves: You have a meeting with Miranda Tate at Wayne Enterprises in one hour.
 * Lex Luthor: Make it two. These board meetings can be slower than a blind paraplegic.
 * Mercy Graves: Sir..veterans make up thirteen percent of potential voters some of whom are blind AND parapalegic.
 * Lex Luthor: Never tell me statistics.
 * Mercy Graves: And you are on camera and they could be watching.[she looks in Jack Ryder's camera and smiles uncomfortably]
 * Lex Luthor: No because they're blind.

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 * Nurse Pearl: You're very late.
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: I'm the Chief of Staff I can't be late. Have the board members arrived yet?
 * Nurse Pearl: Four of Gotham's best and brightest. Dr Cavendish has been "entertaining" them until you get there.
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: Well with any luck they'll eat him alive. So do I have any friends up there or is it a Rogues Gallery?

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 * Nurse Pearl: You were down in maximum security. I was looking everywhere for you. You have security badge access to level 2. Did you see him? [Harleen slowly nods and Pearl pulls her in for a hug] Breathe.
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: [Harleen slowly composing herself and pulling herself away] Breathing.
 * Nurse Pearl: Did you kick his ass?

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 * Joker: You know I'd kill for a piece of cake.
 * Ted: Do it.
 * Joker: Cake first.
 * Ted: They said I couldn't give you any.
 * Joker: Well I guess I'm just going to have [glaring at security guards] KILL THEM.

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 * Joker: How you been Ted. How's life? The house, wife and kid?
 * Ted: Sucks. Still homeless. Still divorced. Still hates me.
 * Joker: Still wanna die?
 * Ted: Definitely.
 * Joker: Good. What's with the cake
 * Ted: [conspiratorially] It's your birthday.
 * Joker: I kind of thought it might be.
 * Ted: I'm here for the party.

Joker: Who's all coming?

Ted: Dad, Mom, Lyle..

Joker: How's dad doing?

Ted: Dad is... still really sad.

Joker: Is mom still sleeping?

Ted: Dad is trying to wake her for the party...
 * Joker: I thought you were supposed to be watching dad...

Ted: I am.

Joker: He's here now?

Ted: Mhm. Yeah.
 * Joker: And what about uncle Rex...?
 * Ted: Uncle...?

Joker: Rich, bald uncle Rex, the one that owes me a nice big birthday present...
 * Ted: Oh Lex Luthor's here, yeah.
 * Joker: [slowly turns to security guards] Times up?
 * Ted: [hugs Joker and slips him the spoon]

Joker: Save me a piece of cake, Ted. Ideally one with a gun in it.

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 * Dr Jeremiah Arkham:[over the intercom ] Good evening Arkham Asylum this announcement if for the doctors, staff, patients and prisoners of this care facility or as I like to call you: guests. For those of you who don't know your history, this estate used to be home to Amadeus Arkham. He's been in my family for decades, until it was converted into this asylum. And through the years you've all found your way here. One by one. And all of you have outstayed your welcome. Make no mistakes these are desperate times, and like me your options have run out. All of the exits have been closed off except for the front door. You are all free to leave. But should you decide to stay, you will be considered a trespasser, and trespassers will be hunted and put down. I'm taking back what is rightfully mine. Arkham Asylum no longer belongs to you. This is my home.

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 * Nurse Pearl: We've got to get out of here.
 * Dr Harleen Quinzel: I'm. Not. Running.

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 * Dr Jeremiah Arkham:All the exits have been closed off except for the front door. You are all free to leave. But should you decide to stay you will be considered tresspassers and tresspassers will be hunted and put down.

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 * Dr Crane: I'd like my office back. [knocks Harleen out with fear gas]

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 * Joker: [to dying security guard]Of course you realise... this means war.[pulls out the broken glass from his stomach] Ta Da.